Separation Anxiety

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She has been a traveler for the majority of her life because of her family, profession, and by choice. Being territorial never suited her gypsy soul. She always chose the less traveled paths and strangers excited her more than family did. She carried her free-spirits with her everywhere she went. Her arrival lighted up the room and her departure always caused dismay. There is a part of her which looks forward to the next destination. The thought of change makes her heart jump with joy and begins to weave the beginning of a magical journey in her mind. There is also a part of her which causes her soul to get restless and distressed at the thought of moving on. The thought of leaving something/someone behind causes more distraught than the thought of experiencing something/someone new.

In the constant tug-of-war between routine and growth, she is often confused to make a choice. Is it the people that are tough to leave behind or the place? If it is the place, then isn’t that contradictory to her not so territorial self. If it is the people, why is making the choice so tough? For the place can be recreated but the person cannot, so why is there a dilemma at all?

The new destination was different but comfortable, it was noisy but serene. She was friendly with everyone but friends she had few. She spoke to the moon in many a way that only she and the universe understood. She loved feeling the earth and sang to the silent whispers from the woods.

But the people were different and so were the trees. The wind was rough but she was ready to sail. Something about the new people made her change a little, she had to become less demanding and more forgiving. Something about the new place made her change a little, she had to become less comfortable and more adjusting.

Little did she know; it was neither the place nor the people she missed, it was the person she knew she was, it was the person that the place made her and the person that the people enjoyed being with.

Little did she know; she had a separation anxiety neither for the place nor the people but for herself.

 

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#anxiety, #emotions, #relationships, #separation, #separationanxiety

Curiosity killed the Cat, or not?

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Most of us at some situation have used the idiom “curiosity killed the cat” I don’t know about you but I always believed it and used it on others many times. Why not? It sounds grammatically right and I am not a cat fan so I really don’t care about who killed the cat. But now that I am older and wiser (at least I like to believe so) I am beginning to question the authenticity of this famous idiom.

This really charming man and I were beginning to converse a lot and just like how dating has traditionally worked we were in our discovery phase, where we kept asking each other questions trying to learn more about our likes, dislikes and you know the usual. It was all great until he started asking too many questions. And mostly personal. I am a modern woman and I do not get judgmental about people easily but there is something about us women and topics regarding our weight, past relationships and personal hygiene that makes us extremely conscious. Even though if the other person meant to ask us something in the most casual manner when it comes to topics like these we hit the panic button and start judging in the most creative way possible. Guess we are just wired that way, at least I am.

So when this guy started asking me questions about my past relations, what I liked and disliked, how and where I shared moments with my partners and you know all that jazz, I realized that I did not find him charming anymore. I was rather annoyed. I like talking to men about their deepest fears, their life stories, their dreams and all that beautiful things that constitutes to our existence. I was bound to be turned off and disappointed by his questions.  So I finally broke the ice and asked him why he was getting too tangential to the topic and how it mattered. His response was then “oh, I was just curious”

There! Like an explosion in my mind, I spaced out into a thought process. Curious! This is an interesting adjective. Just like any other matured adult, I googled the word.

curious

Cu.ri.ous (adj.)

1) eager to know or learn something

2) strange; unusual

The synonyms that caught my attention: bizarre, queer, unorthodox.

Okay, so it makes sense he was eager to know about my preferences which by the way are subjected to change. He was probably just trying to observe a pattern, understand my preferences and probably re-create the same to make me feel comfortable. Though I would like certain things to remain in the dark and be discovered as we progress in a relationship naturally, Id still give him the credit for the attempt – wish he was better articulate though. So then is curiosity bad? Sounds like it could do good stuff for you. Why did it kill the cat?

No one really knows for sure who and in what context cited the quote originally. But the most famously referred to story is about how this cat called Blackie attempted to leave home and climb a wall for the first time, panicked and died. So now this brings me to the conclusion that it was not really curiosity it was a lack of preparation, planning, and resources that killed silly Blackie. If Blackie was prepared, climbed its way up gradually, then he/she could possibly have enjoyed the new discovered capability and would have gotten a great reward for its curiosity. It could have been – Curiosity rewarded the Cat!

Now that I made the short story long for you, here is your takeaway, if you are really interested in discovering something/someone better watch out for the possible outcomes and be prepared for the unexpected. Observe how someone reacts to certain questions, gauge their responses by their voice, body language and other physical cues. Study previous outcomes, calculate your probabilities and then make your move. It is good to be curious but only if you are prepared for it. Also, why be curios about something that will add absolutely no value to you, why not instead invest your time and energy on something more substantial to you. Curiosity demands certain preparation too, genius!

“Curiosity is one of the lowest of the human faculties. You will have noticed in daily life that when people are inquisitive they nearly always have bad memories and are usually stupid at bottom” – E Morgan Forster.

Pay attention to what Forster said, the next time you are “curious” about something / someone hold your horses, take a deep breath, do not jump into the situation. Prepare, Plan, and then Pursue. Don’t screw it up like my Mr. Charming and don’t die like Blackie!

#cat, #curiosity, #emotions, #lifestyle, #planning, #relationships

Letter From A Daughter

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Dear Mom,

It has been a while now that we have been separated from each other, a while now that you and dad have gone to a place far away from my reach. I feel your presence at times when I sit at the yard and feel the breeze blow by. I do not believe in God or in the idea of heaven, but, I hope that both your souls are together and where ever you reside – you reside with happiness and joy.

How unfair is it for you both to leave me alone, how bitter I felt at the sight of all those who walked by their parents, but, then as though you tried to remind me of your presence, you would send someone to tell me how I look just like you, and I smile. I smile thinking about all the times I hated looking like you and I smile at how you loved clicking pictures with me.

How unfair is it for the world to let go of a beautiful woman like you, so charming that even dad could not help but fall for you. Mom, do you still think about how dad hated you for smoking on his bus, and how you rebelled at him for using his personal radio while driving? your presence so captivating, although, 25 years by age apart, dad and you built a beautiful home together.

I am sorry for not taking a day off from work, perhaps, I would have taken you to the hospital in time, perhaps, I would have held your hands while you went into an eternal sleep.

How could anyone love someone so much? how was it so easy for dad to not leave our house while it was burning down. I was so angry on myself for not being strong enough to carry him on my back from the fire to light – from death to life.

Mom, did you really send those crows home a day before the fire? Was it true like dad said – that the crows were there to take him to you, would you send crows to me too when I am ready?

After the accident I was able to recover a box, a box full of memories, a box full of yours and dads love. How blessed am I to grow up to parents so passionately in love with each other, so much so that even death cannot do them apart. Mom, I want to thank you to marry dad, he has set a standard so high – there can never be another like him.

Mom, it took me yours and dads death to realize that death is so final, there is no negotiation and there is no second chance. I feel foolish for all the times I choose to stay away from you and dad, for all the times I left home. Coming back to you and dad was the best decision I made. I am sorry mom that I never told you how much I love you, I never told you how honored I feel to be your daughter and I never got a chance to hug you goodbye.

As I stood watching our house burn down to ashes, I realized life was never going to be the same anymore – for you and dad were gone, and I stood in an abyss, until he came along and held my hand. He takes good care of me mom, he even helped me plan the funerals. It took me your death to realize that the world has so much kindness and empathy.

Finally, mom I want you to know that I have been strong, I have taken care of everything that you left incomplete, I am not crying in a corner or leading a melancholic life, instead, I am going to graduate school. I have learned to become a more sensitive and matured woman. I want to become a woman graceful like you and compassionate like dad. And every time I sit at the yard and I feel the breeze blow by, I know that you and dad have found a happy place and once again – I smile.

Your Loving Daughter,

Mouse.


 

I met Vanessa in graduate school, there was something about her that always intrigued me. I was very judgmental about the person I saw on the surface, until one day, when I got an opportunity to converse with her and learn about the unfortunate death of her parents. She lost her mother due to an illness and within few months in a fire accident, which she survived – she lost her home and her father. Vanessa mentioned to me about how she was able to recover a box which had letters and notes which her parents wrote for each other. It was such a humbling experience to talk to her and I feel honored that she allowed me to write her story.

If not anything, people like Vanessa and her parents, remind us of joy in little things, of gratitude and of loving madly and truly.

#daughter, #death, #emotions, #father, #life, #love, #mother, #parents

Commodity With A Blank Price Tag

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To forecast is science or an art? How does our instinct to determine the future of any relationship work, and do we have a constant set of parameters? We all have that one or more special person in our lives we are dearly fond of, so much so that, one wrong move between the two and in a flip second we dishonor the time we cherished with that person and easily break ties. This person could be your best friend, mentor, business partner, colleague, crush, companion, anyone, even a dog maybe. Why is it that we get so judgmental about people and situations? Because of an argument we might have with someone once, or because of something he/she said that might have been hurtful, how is it that it is so easy for us to say “enough” and “to move on” and why is it so tough to take the initiative to break the ice? are we beginning to procrastinate people and relationships as well?

From my years of management experience my mind is only filled with targets, numbers and ways to become more productive, my job has consumed me so much that I begin to look at relationships also from an analytical perspective and people as the subject to my case study. Gone are those innocent days when I would feel a weird sensation in my stomach and skip heart beats while spending time with my date. Well I still do feel that weird sensation in my stomach (and occasional skipping of heartbeats frequently because of Tom Hanks or Eminem) but mostly because of hunger, I prefer meeting a date for dinner or lunch instead of hanging out at the mall or playing arcade. Because, if the date does not match expectations – the meal will. If the meal does not – dessert will. The odds of a bad cheesecake on a bad day is probably one in infinity.

I find it extremely fascinating how we are all so well programmed to thinking in a certain way once we begin to experience adulthood. We hate our best friend because he/she gets more attention, we hate that cousin because he/she earns more, we hate our job because the boss is a joke on humanity. But how many of us sit back and reminisce about the good times we spent with that friend, so what if he/she is now getting more attention, aren’t you still tagged along? Why do we hate that cousin in spite of how much we love the food? and wait aren’t we supposed to be thankful to our employer for providing to us? the dough with which we pay off for all our monthly luxuries, but instead we abuse our employers. Yes, the boss is always cranky, yes the lead is bias and yes there are times when you are not paid in-time or are not appreciated for a good job. But isn’t there a reason why we all have choices? We have the choice to leave that employer and part ways. Instead, we like to stick around and crib, because we know it is “good for the resume” probably that is why we take quick, hasty and often impulsive decisions with regards to our relationships because our friends, lovers and family do not get us that million-dollar job, hence why work on something that is not a resume builder.

I take a minute and think about my day before I go to sleep or while I am still on bed when I wake up. I think and smile and feel thankful for all that I experience, the people I met and places I see – good and bad. Just to think positive and let go of the negativity towards a person can not only save you a relationship but I believe is time saving too. We spend hours texting, emailing and writing on social media of how someone hurt you so bad, and of how upset you are, instead of just trying to recollect all the good the person has done for you and the good the job enables you to do, instead of writing all that jazz to people only if you wrote a simple thank you to that person it will take you lesser than a minute – unless the person was really a jerk then all powers to you!

If today gratitude was sold in a store, I am sure it would be amongst the most niche products. If school taught gratitude, students would love taking this class because it is an easy subject. As a lover of economics I would say gratitude is that commodity you know can easily be imitated and even substituted against, with a demand way higher than the supply. Perhaps, a commodity with a blank price tag.

#adulthood, #emotions, #gratitude, #lifestyle, #sociallife, #thankyou

The Institute Of Marriage

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This last couple of days the only topic I seem to discuss with my girlfriends is about weddings. We are a group of very independent, charming and smart women, yet we have our moments of jealousy and insecurity at the thought of all the other women around us getting married except for us. What is it about marriages that make us women so thrilled and weak at the same time?

I have guy friends who tell me that I feel insensitive about the whole concept of a wedding because I have never experienced love strong enough for it to lead into a concrete relationship. I give this a thought very often, and every time I think about how my wedding would be – I’d only picture silk, expensive Egyptian cotton and a private gathering. And then suddenly I realize that I barely think about the groom! I mean isn’t it important to have a groom for your wedding?!

I frequently hear the soft voice within me say that “you are too independent to be loved, men like taking care of women and you don’t let them do that” to that the quirky voice from my head says “I do not need a companion to take care of me, I experience abundance of love, affection and importance from my family, my friends, my mentors and my acquaintance” the only time I perhaps feel the absence of a companion is when I feel physically needy. I do not want to sound like the person your mom hates! but I do believe in the fact that there is nothing wrong with sharing a physical relationship if a mutual comfort is established. Why is it that most of us come with a tag of commitment and emotional dependence the moment we share a physical moment with someone?

Just like many other women I have been subjected to the fear of social disapproval, I have been scared of being judged and being labelled. But as I grow older and get better professionally and am being successful in maintaining healthy relationships with the few friends I have had for a very long time, I realize that I can no longer play by the rules. I can no longer restrain myself from experiencing beautiful horizons just because I am afraid of the society not approving of it. I love men but I love my independence more. I have no problem with the idea of getting married, but what I do have a problem with is, the grandeur involved, I have a problem with inviting people we never see in years, spending thousands of money on clothes we will never wear again and taking vows with a man who is to play host for the rest of our lives. Will all those people visit me if my marriage is going through a tough phase? I doubt…

I was talking in similar lines with a dear friend the other day, and I told him that I might not see myself as a wife or as a daughter-in-law but I do see myself as a mother. I told him that my biggest fear of not being married is that I might miss the opportunity of being a parent. I also told him that maybe in the next five years it will not matter anymore, that I could be a mother whether or not I have a husband. We discussed about how there are many women who have taken this path, and have become a mother clinically or by adopting a child. My friend had a very valid point of why it is important for a child to experience the affection of complete parenthood, both from a mother and a father, I mostly agree but I still have times of disagreement, perhaps I am being too selfish or I am scared that I will never find Mr Right.

Why is it that women like me who are in their late 20s and are unmarried feel pressurized and are subjected to around the clock scrutiny? Has the concept of wedding become too institutionalized, too commercial and a mere act of self-validation? And do they really live happily ever after?

#adulthood, #commitment, #emotions, #lifestyle, #relationships, #wedding

Amalia

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Seven more hours for the day to pass, for the potion to work on me

For me to go into a deep sleep, away from a world of grief

Reality deepens my wounds, reminding me of all the good time we spent together

Of all the days filled with laughter and joy where the sounds of sorrow was unknown

I smile and tell myself, this is the last time I go to bed alone

For this time, when I fall asleep we will be together again

There he was with a bouquet of the finest roses for his Amalia

He was welcomed by faces he did not recognize

And they looked at him with disbelief

The news of his death was erroneous after all

The crowd began to clear, and he was finally left alone with her

Her scent lingering in the air, he laid where she last laid

And felt her velvet skin embrace him

He smiled and went into a deep sleep telling himself

For this time, when I fall asleep we will be together again

#deadroses, #death, #emotions, #forever, #immortal, #love, #seperation

A Wave Of Words

Eminem-reading-300x300 Lyrical geniuses like Morrison , Lennon and Osbourne come across to me more as prophets of their time rather than musicians. These poets wrote with no filters and undoubtedly it did offend many but they also made thought provoking music. Music which you could either love or hate but not ignore. Lyrics which sounded absurd, repellent and sensitive at the same time. These musicians had the strength to connect with their listeners to a level which only the listener could experience. They had the power to establish an invisible bond strong and dependable.

People are strange when you are a stranger , faces come out of the rain, when you’re strange no one remembers your name, said Jim Morrison. In the face of entertainment very often these musicians come up with such strong statements which one just can not overlook. A lot of truth is said in just a dictum. Like, being hit by a wave of words and you can not sail through, so strong is their aura, so engulfing is their music.

As a kid all my friends had their version of an alter ego – Hannah Montana, Lizzie Mcguire, Christina to Britney and so on but for me it has always been Marshall Mathers yes I am talking about The Eminem. I have been listening to him since the soft launch of Lose yourself (2003) since then there has never been a day when his music has not comforted me. Every time I have been in a situation instead of seeking for advice I’d just find a space and escape into his lyrical world with his music so intense yet so sensitive. I know many people resist rap for the negativity it promotes but it never affected me. Even in the most harsh of words used, I have always found a deeper meaning. Besides his music, as an individual he has been one of the strongest men I have ever come across. An excellent father, a hurt lover, a friend to always count on and a Lyrical God. His rags to riches journey has not only won him innumerable titles but also hearts, mine for sure and for ever to stay.

When I listen to the latest music I get confused, most of the times I do not understand or I just do not want to understand – Paranoid is the word. Do we even have lyricist anymore or are the words generated by an app which also does the recording later, because all the famous singers today sound robotic to me. I have absolutely no problem with people who listen to trance, edm, house etc but does this mean that lyricists are going to be an extinct breed soon. Where are the people whose music had the power to motivate, celebrate, intimate and even bring tears to our eyes. There have been so many tracks upon listening to which, it gave me a sense of ownership, as though the artist could almost read my mind and knew exactly what i’d like to hear or say. I wonder when will we get to hear such music again. Correct me if I am being ignorant but  I wonder if we’ll get to listen to such music at all again or perhaps start saving our favorites from the past before they become antique.

#eminem, #emotions, #lyrics, #modernmusic, #music, #musicians, #words