The Causation and Correlation of Love.

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As I write this I am 27 years old and it is a long period to observe patterns. One of the most prominent patterns I have observed to date  is our weakness towards familiarity. We are all so vulnerable to things, people, or events we are familiar with that anything even in close proximity to this familiarity is easy for us to accept. Similarly, when we come across something/someone we are unfamiliar with it throws us out of our comfort zone; be it that new girl with peculiar mannerisms, or the mysterious looking man at the corner of the street, a new fragrance, or a new taste. Having said that; most of us often make a conscious decision in leaving our comfort zone. There is a certain thrill in being acquainted with that unfamiliarity; that feeling of restlessness and those spine chills. I heard many call this feeling as being in love.

I don’t particularly have a problem with this definition of love or the very feeling of falling in love. In my head falling in love is a spiritual experience which gives you both the freedom and authority over another person. It allows you to truly live in union with someone; more so mentally. Love in my head is so powerful and magnificent that reality always fails to match my expectations. Love is such a strong emotion yet so easily misunderstood. The slightest comforting act from another person makes us want to believe in a potentially long term relationship. And our highly educated brains conveniently gets delusional and fails in differentiating between what is meant to be temporary or permanent. Most of us end up exchanging vows with someone we have no compatibility with just on the basis of what was once a promising lie. We get so engrossed in our metaphorical world that when reality hits hard we are in denial to accept it. It is  that same peculiar mannerism, mysteriousness, or the old fragrance that now becomes the enemy. Why is it then in-spite of all the signs and the patterns we still consciously make or even worse repeat our choices. There are many explanations to this; they say your judgment impairs when you fall in love. That is why I believe in Economics.

One of the foundation principles of economic analysis is the theory of Causation vs Correlation. According to which any study’s outcome can be misinterpreted if the causation is confused with the correlation. Example: you might think that College X is good because many successful people have graduated from there : this is the Correlation. The Causation is : because the students worked hard – they graduated – and it so happened to be College X. Economists urge for analysts to base their outcomes on the causation but not correlation. If we base our analysis on the correlation then that’s great for the college; good marketing; more students; more funds. However, as a student or a parent if you pay attention to the causation you will then know that irrespective of the college you go to they are ought to be successful. Keeping all other factors constant.

Now compare the whole phenomena of falling in love with the above theory. Do we really fall in love with the right person, or, is the person right because we fall in love with them? Do we love our parents because we are born to them, or, because we are born to them are we obligated to love them? In my opinion, when people become weak and helpless and find it hard to move out of a relationship; and take all the heart ache to hold on to the person and glue the relationship together they are clearly confusing their “love” for this person; a correlation smoked by their memories together with the actual causation which is just their need for emotional dependence. There is a clear distinguish between science and the matters of the heart. The latter will always triumph over the former; since there is nothing else to explain it (excerpts from Tagore). Having said that; the next time you begin to live in retrospect and question all the wrong choices you made; you know you just have to differentiate between what caused it versus what you correlated it to. If the poets don’t help give the Economists a chance.

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#causation, #economics, #love

Me the Sapiosexual

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After my previous blog Sex – pleasure or pressure I received several phone calls, emails, and text messages regarding the blog and the voice of it. Surprisingly – or not – most of them agreed to what the blog said. Many readers and friends told me that they were in situations in their relationships when sex became the only unifying factor and the sole purpose of the relationship. Sounds unfair, doesn’t it? What about all those who have a lower sexual desire and are yet maintaining a healthy and happy relationship with their partners. There must be a determinant stronger than physical intimacy.

I am sure that most of us agree when I say our choice of men change significantly as we grow older and ideally with a proportionate increase in our maturity as well. However, there are certain traits we like about men that will always make us weak in the knee. I have girlfriends I grew up with for many years and I see their choice of men as the years pass, although, every new man has something different about him compared to the previous, there is yet always that one unique quality which remains constant. Could be humor, height, complexion, voice or even a smile with dimples maybe. So for me it was always the intelligence in a man that remained constant.

I won’t tell you that every man I have been attracted to was a genius and god’s gift to mankind – yes they were all geniuses in their areas of interest. I got the opportunity to better know men at a very personal level, who were gold medalists, entrepreneurs, strategic leaders at their workplace and even literature experts. Unfortunately, with lot of intelligence these men also brought self-pride, superiority complexes, personality disorders, isolation, dominance, and every day was an ego trip.

There were however few men who were very accommodating and received feedback in a great manner. Though, these men had loud personalities they never failed to pamper me and make me feel special. So that raises two questions 1) why intelligence 2) why all the breakups?

Why is intelligence the new sexy?

In my school of thoughts intelligence is synonymous to creativity, it is the art of telling someone what they exactly want to hear, the ability to influence in a very subtle and graceful manner. I met men who were extremely attractive and could be great providers but they could never keep a good conversation and when it came to keeping a conversation alive and two-way, my genius men were always ahead in the game. I do not confuse intelligence with being informative. I have been with the so called “intelligent men” who try their best to respond with something absolutely irrelevant just to prove their mettle in the conversation and satisfy their alpha-male alter ego – this is when I think in my head “Dear Men, narcissism does not compliment intelligence” Instead, if I were with a man who responded with a simple “isn’t that interesting” or “give me an example” that’s enough for me to realize that he is paying attention and is not looking for an IQ battle and of course, I reciprocate the same way with him as well.  This spirit of keeping a conversation alive, and making me want to look forward to talking to him again and not just seeing him, is a big turn on!

Why all the breakups?

I will cut this short cause I don’t want to sound melodramatic, when you are a sapiosexual like me, intelligence becomes a boon and a curse at the same time. It is unacceptable to me if my man under performs at his work. If he does not talk to me about something that will keep my interest level high – the romance is out of the window. When the emotional connect fades we tend to start showing our negative traits to our partner. So in my case, there would be a surprise anxiety, unpredictable mood swings and lots of drama. So yes for all the breakups put the blame on me.

Being a sapiosexual is not easy, especially for the counterpart. Sapiosexuals don’t  just need a boyfriend or a companion, we need an achiever and someone to look-up to. We need to be inspired and constantly challenged intellectually. There is no foreplay better than a good conversation and there is never a scarcity for words. A relationship with a sapiosexual has  its own insecurities and if not anything you are definitely doing better at school and work than you ever did before. Be mindful with your choice ladies, that boring guy/girl you see at the bookstore might not be that boring after all. The muscle might lean but the brains are here to stay!


This blog is part-1 to a series of two blogs, in collaboration with Thoughts Of The Third Eye Part-2 of this blog is now available on the link above.

#love, #relationships, #sapiosexuality, #sex

SEX – Pleasure or Pressure?

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA If you hear someone say “I don’t enjoy sex” or “I don’t feel like it” we all know that it’s a lie! But then, there is some amount of truth behind every lie. I am amongst those fancy people who can’t just have sex but have to involve in the process of making love, and there is definitely a lot of difference between the two. In-fact I believe one can make love to their partner without having sex at all. Sounds pretty darn insane and ridiculous, huh? Well let’s talk about it….

Why do people have sex with their partners, is it just to satisfy their biological necessity or is it beyond – like a way of communicating with your partner to show trust, loyalty, and dependence. Unity between two bodies can establish a celestial connection and absolute bliss. Instead, what happens in reality is a thud from the dream of that divine experience and being woken up to the harsh reality of performance pressure and matching expectations.

We are raised with this constant dose of values that teaches us to respect our fellow-humans, to be sensitive and understanding. But what is it about sex that makes many of us judgmental, selfish, and disrespectful. For a very long time I have struggled in keeping a good relationship because the man has always dropped the big “are you ready” question, and in all honesty it freaks me out, still does. This might sound very un-usual to a lot of people, but there are many out there like me who have a very low sexual desire and might turn out to become asexual too. Isn’t it unfair how a person can be amazing at all levels and satisfy every requirement to become an ideal partner, but the moment he/she fails to perform in the act the relationship is called off!

Case-in-point sex has made our relationships very fragile, it is easier to break up with someone today than it was earlier. People involve in crime, cause domestic violence and restore to all sorts of crazy practices in-order to satisfy their needs. Sex is no longer special, or important it has been evolved to a point of becoming routine, mechanical, and to a great extent even experimental. The number of physically and mentally assaulted victims waiting in line for a treatment is alarmingly increasing by the day. People criticize, judge and humiliate their partners for not matching their expectations – how is this making us any different from animals? So is sex really for pleasure or just an ego boost at the cost of potentially crushing your partner’s self-esteem.

Our sexual preferences are changing like nobody’s business. Our needs have become so specific that we have evolved from being a person to being gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, and asexual. Our level of patience has gone down so drastically, we want our coffee in seconds, food in minutes, get new body parts within days and similarly we want sex immediately. Not many believe in waiting anymore because a quickie is better than a no quickie, right? Who cares about finding that one person who can make it worth the wait – the poor soulmate must be stuck in a tree somewhere.

I have friends who are asexual and are absolutely happy. They do not need sex to sustain their relationship, neither are they any less happy if compared to a traditional couple. I am not intending to say that sex is bad and that it should be kept out of a relationship, but the relationship itself deserves to be given a chance. To be able to fall in love with a person and to understand their deepest fears, regrets and to be able to romance a person and treat them in all equality is what makes the experience truly pleasurable and maybe-just-maybe magical.

 

 

#adulthood, #lifestyle, #love, #sex

Letter From A Daughter

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Dear Mom,

It has been a while now that we have been separated from each other, a while now that you and dad have gone to a place far away from my reach. I feel your presence at times when I sit at the yard and feel the breeze blow by. I do not believe in God or in the idea of heaven, but, I hope that both your souls are together and where ever you reside – you reside with happiness and joy.

How unfair is it for you both to leave me alone, how bitter I felt at the sight of all those who walked by their parents, but, then as though you tried to remind me of your presence, you would send someone to tell me how I look just like you, and I smile. I smile thinking about all the times I hated looking like you and I smile at how you loved clicking pictures with me.

How unfair is it for the world to let go of a beautiful woman like you, so charming that even dad could not help but fall for you. Mom, do you still think about how dad hated you for smoking on his bus, and how you rebelled at him for using his personal radio while driving? your presence so captivating, although, 25 years by age apart, dad and you built a beautiful home together.

I am sorry for not taking a day off from work, perhaps, I would have taken you to the hospital in time, perhaps, I would have held your hands while you went into an eternal sleep.

How could anyone love someone so much? how was it so easy for dad to not leave our house while it was burning down. I was so angry on myself for not being strong enough to carry him on my back from the fire to light – from death to life.

Mom, did you really send those crows home a day before the fire? Was it true like dad said – that the crows were there to take him to you, would you send crows to me too when I am ready?

After the accident I was able to recover a box, a box full of memories, a box full of yours and dads love. How blessed am I to grow up to parents so passionately in love with each other, so much so that even death cannot do them apart. Mom, I want to thank you to marry dad, he has set a standard so high – there can never be another like him.

Mom, it took me yours and dads death to realize that death is so final, there is no negotiation and there is no second chance. I feel foolish for all the times I choose to stay away from you and dad, for all the times I left home. Coming back to you and dad was the best decision I made. I am sorry mom that I never told you how much I love you, I never told you how honored I feel to be your daughter and I never got a chance to hug you goodbye.

As I stood watching our house burn down to ashes, I realized life was never going to be the same anymore – for you and dad were gone, and I stood in an abyss, until he came along and held my hand. He takes good care of me mom, he even helped me plan the funerals. It took me your death to realize that the world has so much kindness and empathy.

Finally, mom I want you to know that I have been strong, I have taken care of everything that you left incomplete, I am not crying in a corner or leading a melancholic life, instead, I am going to graduate school. I have learned to become a more sensitive and matured woman. I want to become a woman graceful like you and compassionate like dad. And every time I sit at the yard and I feel the breeze blow by, I know that you and dad have found a happy place and once again – I smile.

Your Loving Daughter,

Mouse.


 

I met Vanessa in graduate school, there was something about her that always intrigued me. I was very judgmental about the person I saw on the surface, until one day, when I got an opportunity to converse with her and learn about the unfortunate death of her parents. She lost her mother due to an illness and within few months in a fire accident, which she survived – she lost her home and her father. Vanessa mentioned to me about how she was able to recover a box which had letters and notes which her parents wrote for each other. It was such a humbling experience to talk to her and I feel honored that she allowed me to write her story.

If not anything, people like Vanessa and her parents, remind us of joy in little things, of gratitude and of loving madly and truly.

#daughter, #death, #emotions, #father, #life, #love, #mother, #parents

Amalia

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Seven more hours for the day to pass, for the potion to work on me

For me to go into a deep sleep, away from a world of grief

Reality deepens my wounds, reminding me of all the good time we spent together

Of all the days filled with laughter and joy where the sounds of sorrow was unknown

I smile and tell myself, this is the last time I go to bed alone

For this time, when I fall asleep we will be together again

There he was with a bouquet of the finest roses for his Amalia

He was welcomed by faces he did not recognize

And they looked at him with disbelief

The news of his death was erroneous after all

The crowd began to clear, and he was finally left alone with her

Her scent lingering in the air, he laid where she last laid

And felt her velvet skin embrace him

He smiled and went into a deep sleep telling himself

For this time, when I fall asleep we will be together again

#deadroses, #death, #emotions, #forever, #immortal, #love, #seperation