Separation Anxiety

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She has been a traveler for the majority of her life because of her family, profession, and by choice. Being territorial never suited her gypsy soul. She always chose the less traveled paths and strangers excited her more than family did. She carried her free-spirits with her everywhere she went. Her arrival lighted up the room and her departure always caused dismay. There is a part of her which looks forward to the next destination. The thought of change makes her heart jump with joy and begins to weave the beginning of a magical journey in her mind. There is also a part of her which causes her soul to get restless and distressed at the thought of moving on. The thought of leaving something/someone behind causes more distraught than the thought of experiencing something/someone new.

In the constant tug-of-war between routine and growth, she is often confused to make a choice. Is it the people that are tough to leave behind or the place? If it is the place, then isn’t that contradictory to her not so territorial self. If it is the people, why is making the choice so tough? For the place can be recreated but the person cannot, so why is there a dilemma at all?

The new destination was different but comfortable, it was noisy but serene. She was friendly with everyone but friends she had few. She spoke to the moon in many a way that only she and the universe understood. She loved feeling the earth and sang to the silent whispers from the woods.

But the people were different and so were the trees. The wind was rough but she was ready to sail. Something about the new people made her change a little, she had to become less demanding and more forgiving. Something about the new place made her change a little, she had to become less comfortable and more adjusting.

Little did she know; it was neither the place nor the people she missed, it was the person she knew she was, it was the person that the place made her and the person that the people enjoyed being with.

Little did she know; she had a separation anxiety neither for the place nor the people but for herself.

 

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#anxiety, #emotions, #relationships, #separation, #separationanxiety

Curiosity killed the Cat, or not?

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Most of us at some situation have used the idiom “curiosity killed the cat” I don’t know about you but I always believed it and used it on others many times. Why not? It sounds grammatically right and I am not a cat fan so I really don’t care about who killed the cat. But now that I am older and wiser (at least I like to believe so) I am beginning to question the authenticity of this famous idiom.

This really charming man and I were beginning to converse a lot and just like how dating has traditionally worked we were in our discovery phase, where we kept asking each other questions trying to learn more about our likes, dislikes and you know the usual. It was all great until he started asking too many questions. And mostly personal. I am a modern woman and I do not get judgmental about people easily but there is something about us women and topics regarding our weight, past relationships and personal hygiene that makes us extremely conscious. Even though if the other person meant to ask us something in the most casual manner when it comes to topics like these we hit the panic button and start judging in the most creative way possible. Guess we are just wired that way, at least I am.

So when this guy started asking me questions about my past relations, what I liked and disliked, how and where I shared moments with my partners and you know all that jazz, I realized that I did not find him charming anymore. I was rather annoyed. I like talking to men about their deepest fears, their life stories, their dreams and all that beautiful things that constitutes to our existence. I was bound to be turned off and disappointed by his questions.  So I finally broke the ice and asked him why he was getting too tangential to the topic and how it mattered. His response was then “oh, I was just curious”

There! Like an explosion in my mind, I spaced out into a thought process. Curious! This is an interesting adjective. Just like any other matured adult, I googled the word.

curious

Cu.ri.ous (adj.)

1) eager to know or learn something

2) strange; unusual

The synonyms that caught my attention: bizarre, queer, unorthodox.

Okay, so it makes sense he was eager to know about my preferences which by the way are subjected to change. He was probably just trying to observe a pattern, understand my preferences and probably re-create the same to make me feel comfortable. Though I would like certain things to remain in the dark and be discovered as we progress in a relationship naturally, Id still give him the credit for the attempt – wish he was better articulate though. So then is curiosity bad? Sounds like it could do good stuff for you. Why did it kill the cat?

No one really knows for sure who and in what context cited the quote originally. But the most famously referred to story is about how this cat called Blackie attempted to leave home and climb a wall for the first time, panicked and died. So now this brings me to the conclusion that it was not really curiosity it was a lack of preparation, planning, and resources that killed silly Blackie. If Blackie was prepared, climbed its way up gradually, then he/she could possibly have enjoyed the new discovered capability and would have gotten a great reward for its curiosity. It could have been – Curiosity rewarded the Cat!

Now that I made the short story long for you, here is your takeaway, if you are really interested in discovering something/someone better watch out for the possible outcomes and be prepared for the unexpected. Observe how someone reacts to certain questions, gauge their responses by their voice, body language and other physical cues. Study previous outcomes, calculate your probabilities and then make your move. It is good to be curious but only if you are prepared for it. Also, why be curios about something that will add absolutely no value to you, why not instead invest your time and energy on something more substantial to you. Curiosity demands certain preparation too, genius!

“Curiosity is one of the lowest of the human faculties. You will have noticed in daily life that when people are inquisitive they nearly always have bad memories and are usually stupid at bottom” – E Morgan Forster.

Pay attention to what Forster said, the next time you are “curious” about something / someone hold your horses, take a deep breath, do not jump into the situation. Prepare, Plan, and then Pursue. Don’t screw it up like my Mr. Charming and don’t die like Blackie!

#cat, #curiosity, #emotions, #lifestyle, #planning, #relationships

Me the Sapiosexual

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After my previous blog Sex – pleasure or pressure I received several phone calls, emails, and text messages regarding the blog and the voice of it. Surprisingly – or not – most of them agreed to what the blog said. Many readers and friends told me that they were in situations in their relationships when sex became the only unifying factor and the sole purpose of the relationship. Sounds unfair, doesn’t it? What about all those who have a lower sexual desire and are yet maintaining a healthy and happy relationship with their partners. There must be a determinant stronger than physical intimacy.

I am sure that most of us agree when I say our choice of men change significantly as we grow older and ideally with a proportionate increase in our maturity as well. However, there are certain traits we like about men that will always make us weak in the knee. I have girlfriends I grew up with for many years and I see their choice of men as the years pass, although, every new man has something different about him compared to the previous, there is yet always that one unique quality which remains constant. Could be humor, height, complexion, voice or even a smile with dimples maybe. So for me it was always the intelligence in a man that remained constant.

I won’t tell you that every man I have been attracted to was a genius and god’s gift to mankind – yes they were all geniuses in their areas of interest. I got the opportunity to better know men at a very personal level, who were gold medalists, entrepreneurs, strategic leaders at their workplace and even literature experts. Unfortunately, with lot of intelligence these men also brought self-pride, superiority complexes, personality disorders, isolation, dominance, and every day was an ego trip.

There were however few men who were very accommodating and received feedback in a great manner. Though, these men had loud personalities they never failed to pamper me and make me feel special. So that raises two questions 1) why intelligence 2) why all the breakups?

Why is intelligence the new sexy?

In my school of thoughts intelligence is synonymous to creativity, it is the art of telling someone what they exactly want to hear, the ability to influence in a very subtle and graceful manner. I met men who were extremely attractive and could be great providers but they could never keep a good conversation and when it came to keeping a conversation alive and two-way, my genius men were always ahead in the game. I do not confuse intelligence with being informative. I have been with the so called “intelligent men” who try their best to respond with something absolutely irrelevant just to prove their mettle in the conversation and satisfy their alpha-male alter ego – this is when I think in my head “Dear Men, narcissism does not compliment intelligence” Instead, if I were with a man who responded with a simple “isn’t that interesting” or “give me an example” that’s enough for me to realize that he is paying attention and is not looking for an IQ battle and of course, I reciprocate the same way with him as well.  This spirit of keeping a conversation alive, and making me want to look forward to talking to him again and not just seeing him, is a big turn on!

Why all the breakups?

I will cut this short cause I don’t want to sound melodramatic, when you are a sapiosexual like me, intelligence becomes a boon and a curse at the same time. It is unacceptable to me if my man under performs at his work. If he does not talk to me about something that will keep my interest level high – the romance is out of the window. When the emotional connect fades we tend to start showing our negative traits to our partner. So in my case, there would be a surprise anxiety, unpredictable mood swings and lots of drama. So yes for all the breakups put the blame on me.

Being a sapiosexual is not easy, especially for the counterpart. Sapiosexuals don’t  just need a boyfriend or a companion, we need an achiever and someone to look-up to. We need to be inspired and constantly challenged intellectually. There is no foreplay better than a good conversation and there is never a scarcity for words. A relationship with a sapiosexual has  its own insecurities and if not anything you are definitely doing better at school and work than you ever did before. Be mindful with your choice ladies, that boring guy/girl you see at the bookstore might not be that boring after all. The muscle might lean but the brains are here to stay!


This blog is part-1 to a series of two blogs, in collaboration with Thoughts Of The Third Eye Part-2 of this blog is now available on the link above.

#love, #relationships, #sapiosexuality, #sex

The Institute Of Marriage

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This last couple of days the only topic I seem to discuss with my girlfriends is about weddings. We are a group of very independent, charming and smart women, yet we have our moments of jealousy and insecurity at the thought of all the other women around us getting married except for us. What is it about marriages that make us women so thrilled and weak at the same time?

I have guy friends who tell me that I feel insensitive about the whole concept of a wedding because I have never experienced love strong enough for it to lead into a concrete relationship. I give this a thought very often, and every time I think about how my wedding would be – I’d only picture silk, expensive Egyptian cotton and a private gathering. And then suddenly I realize that I barely think about the groom! I mean isn’t it important to have a groom for your wedding?!

I frequently hear the soft voice within me say that “you are too independent to be loved, men like taking care of women and you don’t let them do that” to that the quirky voice from my head says “I do not need a companion to take care of me, I experience abundance of love, affection and importance from my family, my friends, my mentors and my acquaintance” the only time I perhaps feel the absence of a companion is when I feel physically needy. I do not want to sound like the person your mom hates! but I do believe in the fact that there is nothing wrong with sharing a physical relationship if a mutual comfort is established. Why is it that most of us come with a tag of commitment and emotional dependence the moment we share a physical moment with someone?

Just like many other women I have been subjected to the fear of social disapproval, I have been scared of being judged and being labelled. But as I grow older and get better professionally and am being successful in maintaining healthy relationships with the few friends I have had for a very long time, I realize that I can no longer play by the rules. I can no longer restrain myself from experiencing beautiful horizons just because I am afraid of the society not approving of it. I love men but I love my independence more. I have no problem with the idea of getting married, but what I do have a problem with is, the grandeur involved, I have a problem with inviting people we never see in years, spending thousands of money on clothes we will never wear again and taking vows with a man who is to play host for the rest of our lives. Will all those people visit me if my marriage is going through a tough phase? I doubt…

I was talking in similar lines with a dear friend the other day, and I told him that I might not see myself as a wife or as a daughter-in-law but I do see myself as a mother. I told him that my biggest fear of not being married is that I might miss the opportunity of being a parent. I also told him that maybe in the next five years it will not matter anymore, that I could be a mother whether or not I have a husband. We discussed about how there are many women who have taken this path, and have become a mother clinically or by adopting a child. My friend had a very valid point of why it is important for a child to experience the affection of complete parenthood, both from a mother and a father, I mostly agree but I still have times of disagreement, perhaps I am being too selfish or I am scared that I will never find Mr Right.

Why is it that women like me who are in their late 20s and are unmarried feel pressurized and are subjected to around the clock scrutiny? Has the concept of wedding become too institutionalized, too commercial and a mere act of self-validation? And do they really live happily ever after?

#adulthood, #commitment, #emotions, #lifestyle, #relationships, #wedding